i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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