u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I woke up under a house in Key West
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