remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
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Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
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I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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