Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
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Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
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I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
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