I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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