She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Randomize
