so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
