You smell like stripper and shame
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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