fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
