so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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