4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
