All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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