I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
