Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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