i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
