that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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