It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
