he puts the penis in happiness.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
