I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
