today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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