I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
