Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
