Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
