just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
