Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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