And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
