I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
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I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
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I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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