so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
So vagazzling was a success
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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