"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
