It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house