there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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