It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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