I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
