I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
