There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
