Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
