I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
