Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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