normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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