So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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