Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
