Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
