So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
