I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
