i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
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i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
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Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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