i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
