I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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