did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
