Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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