His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
