You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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