Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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