Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
