forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
