I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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