I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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