A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
